what it feels like to be my 12AM friend

Nirvana... Aha!

This is my contribution to the Writers Island Prompt on 'Reunion'

It was an unusual afternoon. She was wilting under the heat. The emptiness of her soul, lay visible to all who saw. It made no difference to her, that there were so many people around, probably staring, many wondering and some even understanding. At that moment, no one and nothing else mattered.

 All she could feel was his harsh stare, the reality of him taking away something from her so important. The thought that with every stare of his, a part of her identity vanished was embarrassing her. Every glance of his, made her feel as if there was less and less of her remaining. Her dignity seemed to be vanishing with every passing moment. But she had nowhere to go, nothing she could do to somehow stop it. The helplessness was even more unnerving.

But she held on, she stayed put. She knew, if she could face this humiliation, she would indeed have her moment of glory. In her mind, it was not a case of “will she”… but more a case of “when will she”…. And suddenly she winced. But before that, nothing would remain, she thought…coming back to the harsh reality again!

A few months passed by. Every day seemed a battle for her. The days were long, the times were harsh. Every moment getting her closer to that which was now, inevitable.. There came a day, when nothing was left in her, but still he was there, trying to take whatever remained of her. Trying to make sure that she indeed was dead, and nothing remained. He was always there, she thought. Every day, in and out, he would be there. Suddenly she was comforted by that surety that he would be there when she got back at him.

And then it happened. Her day of redemption, her finale was here. She couldn’t see him. She knew he was there, as always, she smiled again! ‘Fine, hide all you want, but am going to love it today’, she smiled. Aah! the breeze again. The cool and calm breeze! She felt alive and happy. The harsh encounters of the recent months had left her bruised, hurt, empty and black, and now she knew she would be beautiful again! I shall be alive once more, she thought.

Suddenly it got real dark. The clouds made the entire place serene and calm. Their voice drowned everything around. But that voice was music for her, the prelude to a shocking climax. The lightning stuck as if heralding a change, a sweet victory for a ferocious little battle she had played a part in. And it rained!

She leapt at the first few drops of water that fell on her, absorbing it within herself. She wanted to dance, but knew she couldn’t. Her joy knew no bounds. She was once again re-united with the one and the only thing that gave her an identity, that which gave her a purpose, which allowed for her existence…. Her existence of being what she was. She was no longer barren, no longer devoid of water. She looked up and smiled. She knew that all was right for now, until he returns again! She stood calmly in the rain, brushing aside all thoughts, of him, of the battle which would return, of what had happened to her…. Everything! All she knew at that moment was that she was alive, and it was exactly for this, that she existed! Nirvana, she knew would feel just like this. And she smiled.

Letter to my love

Dear,

We have had a long relationship. Longer than many others, I have ever had. You have always held a very special place in my heart. From the first time I ever set my eyes on you, till today, I have fallen in love with you again, and again and yet again!

My life would be very much incomplete without you. You have been with me, longer than any one else. Your smell, your appearance, the calmness that surrounds you, would make everyone around love you. Yet, you never ignored me, loving me equally. You would give into my every fantasy, my every whim and wish, making sure each of our meetings was a memory I couldn’t forget. You are the only one, for whom I have given up on food! Yes, I have given up on foodstuff to save and come meet you! This silly thing called love… doesn’t let me forget you!

You know, how everyone has been against this love. They say, you sweep me of my feet. They say, I forget the world, when I am with you. They are true, though! Spending time with you, I never remember anyone or anything. Conversations seem unimportant, the background music/ noise unobtrusive. The only thing that I see, feel and hear is what you give me! You have been more than perfect for me, in every way a girl like me, could ask for….

Yet today, I did, what I couldn’t have imagined doing even in my wildest dreams! I ignored you… I walked past you without giving you as much as a glance. So what, if I was with my colleagues and they would never accept it for what it is…They would never understand the desire of visiting you and holding a book could ever be so important to me! I am sorry, really sorry for having to do this to you, dear !

Yours truly addicted

Rachana

This letter is sent to the Landmark and Crossword of my life ! :D  

to each her own....

....................Midway into a conversation........................

She: ... so, what are you so proud about?

Me: mmm... I guess, am proud of the fact that I am happy! (flashing a smile)

She: (raised eyebrows)... really?!!... oh, so you are satisfied with your life?... contented?... at peace??... (snigger)

Me: .... satisfied, maybe partly.... contented.... hell NO!!!.... at peace... oh sure!!! (some more smile)

She: What do you mean?....

Me: Well, am sure ambitious.... and that is why I am happy....

She: (cutting in).... can’t get you.... come again! (puzzled look on face)

Me:... naah, forget it... you have to learn it your own way.... (wink)

.... and we continue our shoe shopping!!

*touch wood* !!

quirks' of fate!

So, there you are.... expecting something to happen.... praying, that the inevitable happens soon, so that you can get over it and 'move on'... you almost prepare yourself for whatever course destiny charts....

.... nothing happens... you wait and you wonder......

.....nothing..... you are still waiting......

..... now you start thinking that the 'oh-the-worse' is never going to happen, that it was just a foolish presumption.... that things were never meant to be the way you assumed it would be....

.... you stop waiting.....

and then, an E-Mail lands in your Google Account, and something changes forever!....

How i wish i had not stopped anticipting it! :)

What was it again ?!!

There has been a lot of talk on this for too long now, and though most have had their say, I am still unconvinced with their versions on it! I have friends for whom it’s a living reality, so to speak… a few others, who rant a lot about it, especially on their blog and stuff… and going by the number of weddings I have been attending, I presume ‘Love’ is well, everywhere right now!

Yeah, I am writing about it… and before anyone with their over fertile imagination begins, let me say, this is not based on any personal experience or stuff, and neither am I in love or planning to get married or anywhere remotely close! So, disclaimers done, here are my views on this pretty vague topic!

I have always found talks on love rather bemusing! For I believe people most often do confuse ‘love’ as an emotion with ‘relations’ that it gets into existence! Yes, these are, according to me, two rather distinct and separate things. Love in itself, is an emotion, and a very positive one at that, that touches people at different times in their lives towards different people. It is not that complex, if you see it all by itself. Love is not about holding hands or spending time together. The funny part of emotions is that, inspite of being universal, it still is very individualistic for each person, in himself, and the same holds true for love. It leaves a mark on each of us, in its own distinct way. Its something that stays with you, even when the person may not be around. Its something, which once it touches you, changes you forever, in one way or another. Love just needs to be felt, and acknowledging its existence within you, is enough to make you feel good about yourself and things around you! It’s a bond between those involved that surpasses time and space. Love doesn’t fear saturation; it just evolves, in its own terms, in its own varied forms and shapes. It doesn’t demand anything anything, even love in return. Just as you wouldn’t expect jealousy from a person you are jealous of, love doesn’t expect love from its object of affection, which is why it’s the emotion of giving. Its about being aware of the fact that we are capable of giving and sharing so much of ourselves as individuals without expecting much in return. Its not about worrying, if this would last, but its about knowing, that this will!

Relations, on the other hand, are a different ball game altogether. It is very funny, if you notice, how God’s simple emotion can be turned into a complex structure by man’s creation of relations. I am not against relations, mind you, but its sure stupid, when people equate the nature of the relations with the proportion of love. Love doesn’t need a relation to sustain it. It stays with a person, till the person is capable of emoting, in a way or another. Relationships, on the other hand, require love at their core to keep them going. While love is an emotion by itself, relationship is a commitment, an intention between the parties involved, to shape the bond or love shared between them into something distinct and unique. Relations more often than not, are based on our ‘need’ to be loved, more than our love towards the other person. And it is precisely this need that raises expectations and complicates things between two people, who may actually and truly love each other. More often than not, we hurt people we love the most, because, we expect the most from them. This is not saying that the love ceases to exist, it is just when the normal and human instincts getting better of us, than the emotion. The love still stays, just in a rather dormant form within! Like I said, we humans just love complicating things, and most often than not, we do!

Figuring out if something is love or not, well is a different question all by itself, and although I cant say much on that, I can just ask you to NOT rely on movies or books for any direction in this regard. Life doesn’t give you background music, or stormy indications like lightening or flashes and stuff, but it does give you something, a movie might never…. A smile on your face and a song in your heart!

With all this crap, I end my lecture on the MOST over rated topic of the century!

Note: This author is partly delusional and would not always want to be associated with this post. So beware!

He and Me.... Forever!

I can assure you, it wasn’t love at first sight! Simply because I was way too small and don’t even remember when I first lay my sight on him. But it is love, alright! Mind you, I am not the first person to have fallen for him; he is way too good looking to go unnoticed for this long, and considering that his fan following cuts across all age barriers, insecurity is definitely an issue I am learning to handle! :)

Unlike other times, my first impression was that which left me frightened… yeah… I can be irrational at times! But slowly and surely, it changed. In spite of hearing a lot about his charm and exuberance, I was always sceptical to give him a chance to be a part of my life, to give in to his ways, of which I had heard a lot. Yet, his presence in my life and sequence of events cannot go unnoticed. He was always there, calm, quite, sometimes extremely turbulent, but always leaving an unmistakable impact on my mind, wooing me in his own unique way, sometimes serenading a beautiful rhythm, sometimes, astounding me with his extreme calmness (which can be really deceptive, mind you!)

It had been ages since I had seen him… and they say, ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’, turned out to be true in my case too! :) I was missing him a lot, and when I was told, that he would be there on my recent road trip to Malvan, I jumped at the opportunity to meet him, to see him, sans a second thought!... and when I finally did meet him, after so many years, I knew it was love forever! I still remember how he looked in the middle of the full moon night, amidst the flurry of activity by the fisher folk around him, he was there, silent, charming, singing his own song, welcoming me, with all his beauty, I felt like the most beautiful and spoilt female on earth! : D… that is until I lay my eyes on him, at 5:30 a.m. against the beautiful sunrise on the Konkan landscape! (Trust me, I had goose bumps!!)

And yet yesterday, with a very heavy heart, I had to bid him adieu! Leaving him behind was like leaving a part of me. Staying together was impossible, but I did promise to return to him, frequently, as much as possible, and I sure hope I do! (It isn’t a promise I want to break anytime forever!)

Here’s to my love, THE SEA !!