just why.....

Meredith Grey: Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

It can get confusing! When you have no clue where you are headed! When you have something to be happy about, but you really don’t know how to celebrate that happiness, because mentally and emotionally, you have already removed yourself far from this task which may be the reason for celebrations.

Its like, you have already moved on, and someone is trying to hold you back!

Or is it because I just don’t value the reason enough?

Or may be you just don’t get what the whole point is, or maybe its just another thing for you (but honestly, it is not, because had the result not turned positive, I would have been affected, and pretty badly at that!)

May be I just don’t know what to do, or how I am supposed to deal with it… have taken the break, got back to routine and told everyone who mattered and care, how lucky and happy I am, for the result and for them and all that jazz….

But then, why am I not smiling? :

Generation GAP!!

God, I am already feeling OLD, and I am just 21!!!

Don’t be shocked by this line, if you have a sibling or know a ‘kid’, around you, who is say between 9-12 years of age, you would know what I am talking about! Kids today (at least that is what I still would like to call them) are growing up much faster than their peers, or even we did, a couple of years ago.

Right from freaking out at movie halls and malls in the 7th Std, to going to Birthday Parties at Pizza Huts in 3rd Std, kids today are in an even bigger and faster hurry to become adults. Imagine this; a 5th grader carries a sleeker cell phone than my mom to school! and a 8th grader comes to school after streaking her hair!!!

Being a witness to my 11 year old cousin’s growing up years is becoming more of a ‘Oh-My-God-What-has-this-come-to’ than a ‘we-were-like-this-only’!!! After all the pool parties, she has gone too (I have just been to one!!) and the sort of fashion trends and style icons her classmates follow, and idolise, more than be angry, I pity them! They have no childhood to speak of! They are obsessed with weight loss, know all the difference between mascara and eyeliners, and are this short of learning about the birds and bees!!!

Thankfully, my cousin is a li’l brat who is not that hard core into this crazy stuff, (although, I was the only one who saw Charlie and the Choclate factory, at her bday party, while the 'kids' preferred to discuss saif-bipasha liasion!!!) And they are all perfectly prepared to become those factory models – the sort, you know, with straight hair, a 15” waist, make-up even in the gym and wearing the same sort of clothes- the one some hi-fi gal wore at a page 3 party last night!! I mean give me a break, they are small young innocent minds that need not know that 52 kgs is the perfect weight when your height is 5’2, but who need to know that the world is made up of more species than just the human being, and that life doesn’t treat you differently, just because you happen to wear a certain brand of clothes or that it is certainly OK if you do not fit in with a certain crowd, and that your self respect is more important than being the most popular girl in class!!!

Yes, I know the immediate next reaction to this argument is, that it is the ill effect of the media…. But hey, even we grew up when there was the media, and we didn’t turn out that bad!! Yes, they are influenced, and media is not the best of teacher of moral values and anything remotely related, but people cannot sit at one place and blame a certain entity, for spoiling the future of the kids!! I guess it’s very important that the parents and guardians take it upon themselves to teach their kids, how to think!! Yes, this is what we are missing today, we teach them values, we expect them to follow it… rather than making them understand as to why a certain thing is important or what is the effect of a certain thing, and then there is also the fact that we as a society refuse to see beyond the superficial. It’s when we stop making comments and wasting so much of our time, discussing Abhi-Ash weddings, and Paris Hilton’s Jail Stints (aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!) as if our economic future depended on it, that we can actually ask our kids to take a different outlook towards the whole situation!

Maybe its easier said than done, and I am in certainly no mood or in a hurry to give a try to parenting (lest you ask: P) but a look at the kids around, and I get a feeling to write this! Especially, as a previous volunteer with kids, and the way I see 11yr olds going about their life, these days, I am scared she and kids like her, don’t turn out to be Paris or Britney or Posh Spice!!!

Post Mortem

wierd weekend....... infact the past week itself has been wierd!

on the one hand, i have been able to start clearing the clutter in my brain, and taking things in the positive stride, adopting a new approach...... AND on the other hand, my results get announced and, well, not surprising, i do not clear!

But, i am not really, down in the dumps....... simply because, i realised that miracles dont happen..... yup, me passing would have been nothing short of a miracle..... and since that did not take place, my belief in hard work has only strengthened!

this may sound really wierd, but i am happy, that i flunked! seriously! i mean, it has given me an opportunity to excel.... its a blessing in disguise! 'coz, with my current state of mind, if i had cleared, it would have meant, a new change.....and i know, i am not ready for it!

Ofcourse, everyone else i know, cleared..... :) but, the point i always make is, my journey is MINE! and if, my pace is slow, its OK, i mean, im confident of doing what i want, and somehow, my morale is helping me, reach there...... and deff the fact that i have yet not achieved what i want, just indicates one thing for me - i have yet quite some things to learn, before, i achieve what i want!

on the upside, well, i am almost excited and pumping with energy, to start studies again..... and give it my best shot! there is a wierd, almost power giving high, in achieving something, being the dark horse and racing ahead opf others, who feel you are down in the dumps..... and trust me, i luv that feeling.... just hope i am not addicted to that cycle!!!!

And yea, other thing, well, met a person, i had given unnecessary importance in my life, for quite sometime, and you know, how we always feel, when someone is no longer a part of your life..... abt "what if..", "how i wish...", etc.... well, that came to an end! because one look at him, and i knew i was a blessed child to not have him, as a part of my life anymore!

Phew, enough for now, got a couple of more stuff going on in my mind, hopefully, will post them laters!